


You Make Me Feel

by cuddlywoojinnie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alexithymia, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Eventual Fluff, Hyunjin centric, Hyunjin has issues, I will add more tags as I update, M/M, Maknae line, People Watching, References to Depression, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-28 21:26:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15715398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuddlywoojinnie/pseuds/cuddlywoojinnie
Summary: Hyunjin has a difficult time feeling emotions, then he meets someone who helps him.





	1. Chapter 1

The final school bell of the day rang, indicating all students are free to go home. Hwang Hyunjin sat at his desk, scribbling random drawings on a piece of notebook paper, looking bored as the rest of the students in the classroom scrabbled out, excited to finally leave. Hyunjin needed to stay after school to work on an essay and some other things for his English class, if he didn't start now, it would never get done. As he got his English assignments out, he realized that its Friday. Every Friday after school he and his friends hang out and perform various teenage shenanigans. Last Friday, his friend Han Jisung got kicked out of a convenience store for flirting with the cashier as a bargain because he didn't have enough money to pay for his snacks. Hyunjin cringed at the memory as he heard running down the hall and suddenly three boys ~~knocked down~~ opened the door to the classroom.

"Hyunjinnie~!", Jisung squealed. Hyunjin hated that nickname, but he still uses it no matter how many times Hyunjin tells him to stop

Hyunjin didn't really know how to describe Jisung. Funny? Crazy? Annoying? All of the above? He finds him really adorable though because he kind of looks like a squirrel. Also he eats a lot of candy. Like. A lot.

Jisung rushed towards Hyunjin followed by Lee Felix and Kim Seungmin.

Felix is a transfer student from Australia, he can not speak Korean very well, however, he has a similar personality to Jisung so they became friends very easily. Seungmin is more relaxed and collected, he's extremely friendly and he and Hyunjin have been friends since primary school. Hyunjin knows he could always rely on Seungmin if he has any troubles or worries.

Jisung, Felix, and Seungmin piled into the desks next to him, the three of them were already full of energy even though school just ended. Hyunjin couldn't feel the same energy, he didn't even know why they wanted to hang out with him. He wasn't exciting to be with. Hyunjin was popular among the girls for his looks, sometimes he'll walk past a group of girls in the hallways and they will giggle and point. Hyunjin finds it weird and he never pays any attention to them. He was tall and able-bodied but he doesn't play any sports. Hyunjin just wants to go to school, learn shit, and go home. His favorite place in the universe was his room, alone. He wasn't interested in what his friends call "living life". Now that he thinks about that, his life is kinda sad, but that's what he wants right?

"What are you doing just sitting here?", Felix asked, looking down at the work Hyunjin has on his desk,"You do know school's out right?"

Hyunjin sighed,"I'm sorry I can't go out now, I really need to finish my English homework."

"What the hell, man?", Jisung said, looking irritated,"Just write some bullshit over the weekend, you'll have plenty of time."

Hyunjin tried not to roll his eyes,"I want it to actually be good, didn't you almost fail English last year?"

"That was just cus' my teacher was an asshole."

"Right"

Hyunjin remembered last year when he found Jisung in the discipline office after he "accidentally" threw a textbook at his teacher. Thankfully the book didn't hit her and Jisung only got suspended for a day but if Hyunjin was a cop he would definitely charge Jisung for attempted murder.

Seungmin piped in,"Jisung right, it won't take that long to do, you have time to be with us."

Hyunjin felt Seungmin's disappointed stare. He felt guilty. He really did like his friends and wanted to hang out them, but school is more important. He also had this constant feeling of wanting to be alone.

"I'm sorry I've decided I'm staying, if I don't start now I'll procrastinate until the last second and it will be horrible and I will be so stressed then I'll get a bad grade and then I will feel bad about myself and-"

"Ok, Ok, we get it", Felix interrupts.

Hyunjin started fidgeting with his fingers. It was a nervous habit. He would bite his fingernails and the skin around it until it started bleeding. His fingers were all kinds of messed up and raw. The three boys got up and started their way out of the classroom and Hyunjin looked up and called out,

"Next Friday, I swear I'll come!"

Jisung was the last to about to leave as he turned around,"I guess we'll have to plan something then!", a mischevious smile evident on his face.

Hyunjin looked back down at his papers. He had no idea what Jisung meant by that, but he decided not to dwell on it.

 

* * *

  

Hyunjin looks at the clock above the whiteboard, 4:48 PM. School got out at 2 PM so he's been here for nearly three hours. Hyunjin figures that he worked hard enough, and he's almost done anyways. He packed his things and headed out. As he walks down the hall he passed the bathroom and hears a strange choking noise. Hyunjin leaned against the wall next to the bathroom door. It was weird at first, surely he would be the only person here other than the staff. Who else would stay this late? The noise came again, Hyunjin could hear it clearly now. It sounded like someone was gagging, not vomiting but more like dry-heaving. He wondered if he should go in and help whoever was in there, but he didn't want to be a nuisance. Hyunjin felt like a creep for listening in on someone in the bathroom, he didn't even know why he was curious. There was silence for a while, oh god, what if they died? It would be all Hyunjin's fault because he didn't bother to help and now whoever that person in there is dead and-

The door opened. A boy walked out, he looked maybe a grade younger than Hyunjin. He was pale and appeared sickly as well as tired. He was very skinny but the oversized sweatshirt he wore hid that fact. He eyes were sharp and he looked rather intimidating. The boy notices Hyunjin standing next to him as he walked out and his eyes go wide as a gasp escapes his mouth. Before Hyunjin could explain himself, the boy speaks,

"I'm sorry, excuse me." He glances down as he spoke and his voice was small and weak. His hands were in the pockets of his sweatshirt as he was tapping something that resembled a hard plastic. He pushes past Hyunjin, not bothering to look up. He wanted to call out to him and ask if he was okay but he knew better not to interfere with other people's lives because it would only damage his own.

 

* * *

 

The walk home was quiet. The air was still and cold as Hyunjin headed towards his home. He found himself picking at his nails once again although he doesn't know what he was anxious about. Sometimes his body will tell him something is wrong, but his brain just doesn't seem to understand what it is exactly. His mind and body have no correlation, he likes to describe himself as a robot. It fits him perfectly. He arrived at his house rather quickly, he was walking fast for some reason Hyunjin wasn't sure of. As soon as we stepped into his house he wanted to beeline straight into his room. He doesn't greet his parents even though they try hard to ask him about his day. He knows that it is rude and unpolite. He loves his parents very much yes, but his mind just yells at him,

_Go to your room, its safe, there's no one there. Alone. Alone. Dark too._

Hyunjin has his head down as he speed walks towards his room. His dad then notices him,

"Hyunjin? you're home, how are you?"

"Uh, good"

It sounded more like a statement rather than an answer. Whatever. Door shuts.

A wave of relief washes over Hyunjin as soon as he enters his room. He puts his bag down and leans against the door. He can hear his mom and dad whispering softly. He knows that they are talking about him, but he doesn't care. Hyunjin's room is quite small, his house is only one floor and too big after all. He has a desk, a dresser, and a twin-sized bed by the large window in his room. The black curtains were always drawn, he hates bright lights shining through his room. Sometimes he'll open them to watch people outside strolling through the neighborhood. Hyunjin knew it was creepy and strange but for some reason, he just liked observing people without having to talk to them. Ok, that's just even weirder. His parents just say its paranoia. His room is simple, he doesn't have any posters or decorations, he thinks if it's too complex it would hurt his head. Simple. That's how Hyunjin likes everything.

Hyunjin collapsed on his bed feeling drained even though he didn't do anything remotely draining. He laid down on his stomach and took out his phone opening Snapchat. He scrolled through his friends' stories. He found Jisung's, he posted a video of him throwing an empty soda can at Felix, Seungmin laughing loudly in the background as Felix ran towards the camera, the video cutting off abruptly. Hyunjin tilted his head, it looked like they were having fun, however, he couldn't imagine himself laughing with them.

_You would much rather be here alone. Safe._

His mind told him, yes that is right. He likes it like this. Alone.

Hyunjin felt... Something, there was always something, but he can never point it out. He was confused. As always.

He sighed and shuffled around and upside down to look under his bed. He reached under and grabbed a black covered spiral sketchbook. He sat back up, steckbook in hand as he brushed his bangs out of his eyes. He flipped through the pages which were full of detail sketches of various people, objects, and scenery. He mostly drew people, such as his friends or peers and the people he watched from his window. _Weirdo._ Drawing was a guilty pleasure of his, he thought it was a waste of time. He still does it anyway. He usually only sketches when he's feeling the "something". He starts moving his pencil on the paper, Hyunjin never really knows what he's drawing, he lets his hands guide him. The shape of eyes start to appear, they're sharp and intimidating. He's drawing the boy from earlier. He stops after he finishes with the eyes because he can't seem to remember what the rest of his face looked like. Maybe if he sees him again, he'll be able to complete it.


	2. Flashback

Hyunjin sat on a small couch in a small-scale office. He had his legs crossed with his hands in his lap, nervously picking at his cuticles. This Hyunjin was younger. In front of him was a desk with a chair and a computer, no one was sitting there though. There was one other person with him, the chair to the left of him there was a woman, a complete stranger. He was supposed to tell all his secrets to this random woman, isn't that ridiculous? There was also a tiny stool in the corner with a tabletop water fountain. The sound of the water streaming is intended to be calming, but every time Hyunjin heard the _drip, drip, drip,_ the more it made him want to chuck it out the window. 

"How are you feeling, Hyunjin",

The woman asked softly, she was kind, as well as judging.

Hyunjin looks up at her for a second and then back down at his lap, he hates making eye contact, it hurts him.

"I don't know", he answers simply. Was that true? He knows he can feel something, but what if he says the wrong feeling? Then he'll mess up everything. "I don't know" was his go-to word for most things, it is easy, completely effortless. People cannot press him more because oh well, _he doesn't know._

_Drip, drip, drip._

"Can you remember the last feeling you had?"

Can he? He knows he feels but he just cannot for the life of him understand exactly was it is.

_You do know, stop being so dramatic. Just say something useful, dumbass._

"I really just..", He started,"Don't know."

_Drip, drip, drip._

The woman took out a folder from beside the chair and flipped through some papers, pulling out one and handing it to Hyunjin. Hyunjin took the paper without looking at her. He reluctantly glanced at the paper he was given, it was full of cartoon faces of different emotions. It was silly. Hyunjin cringed, this is what they use for children who can't read yet.

"Can you look at the faces and tell me which one you feel right now?"

He looked at the paper for a while, pretending he was lost in thought when in reality he was just sitting there in uncomfortable silence, not caring whatsoever. He could be feeling all of these emotions right now. No that's not possible.

_Just pick one, it's not that hard, why is it so hard for you? What is wrong with you?_

Hyunjin pointed to the one with a straight face,"I feel just neutral, I guess."

_Drip, drip, drip._

"That's good".

Hyunjin gave the paper back to her, still keeping his head down, picking at his nails. She put it back in her folder.

"Okay, I just have a few more questions," She told him soothingly. Hyunjin was getting impatient.

The woman moved in her chair,"Do you ever have voices in your head, you know, do they say mean things to you?"

_Drip, drip, drip,_

SHUT UP, YOU STUPID BITCH.

DRIP, DRIP, DRIP.

"No, I don't think so," Hyunjin answered, looking down at his hands. His fingers were red with blood as he pierced the skin with his nails. He hid his fingers in his palms as the woman studied his face with concern. Or pity. Hyunjin glances up at her,"Sorry, I'm feeling like I really want to go home now."

That was the last time Hyunjin went to therapy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading  
> This is my first time writing fanfiction so I hope it is good so far! Feedback is appreciated :D  
> I will try to update as much as I can


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the support <33

The weekend went by fast, as always. They say that time goes by quickly when you're having fun, its quite the opposite for Hyunjin. Time speeds up when you isolate yourself from friends and family and pace in your room for hours instead. Hyunjin has a habit of pacing, his room isn't big so he'll walk three steps forward, three steps back, that's all the space he has. But it's enough for him. if he were to sit still his mind would probably explode with his thoughts. Hyunjin has a hard time in school because he's meant to sit for the majority of the day in class, but he has the alternative solution of biting and picking at his fingers, it's destructive, even so, it's effective. He used to take medication for this behavior when he was younger but he doesn't anymore. Hyunjin doesn't need them anymore, he's fine, at least that's what he tells his parents and doctors. He managed to finish his remaining homework over the weekend as well. (Jisung was right, he had plenty of time, but Hyunjin knew that too).

Hyunjin wakes up from yet another dreamless night. His friends always talk about the strange and funny dreams they have, Felix even writes about his dreams. Hyunjin never dreams, at least he can't remember any. When he wakes every morning, his mind is blank and empty, that's how it's always been. Laying in bed, Hyunjin grabs his phone from under his pillow and checks the time, 5:09 AM. His first class is at 7 AM, he has time to go back to sleep, any other teenager would. Although Hyunjin likes waking up early, mornings are always quiet and peaceful. He gets up and sits cross-legged on his bed and opens his curtains slightly. It's still somewhat dark outside as he looks out. He sees a car that passes by, the person driving probably going to work. He peers outside for a bit longer, he's not sure what he's waiting or looking for. 

_Stop being weird. Creep._

Hyunjin closes the curtains suddenly. He didn't notice but he was picking at his nails until they were bloodied.

About 30 minutes later he received a text from Seungmin,

 

 _5:40 am |_ **Seungmin:  ** _you up? lets walk to the cafe_

 _before school starts_  ヽ(･∀･)ﾉ

 _5:41 am |_ **Me:  ** _yeahh ok ʕ•͡-•ʔ_

 _5:41 am |_ **Seungmin:**   _lmaoo why do u always use_

those _creepy bear emojis ,,_

 _5:42 am |_ **Me:**  •̫͡•ʔʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•

 _5:43 am |_ **Seungmin:  ** _ASJHKH STOOOPP--- ok meet_

_by the intersection_

 

Hyunjin smirks a little bit, he and Seungmin walk to school together almost every day, they both lived close by and Hyunjin needed the company. There was a coffee shop across the street from their school so students often hang out there before and after school. It never takes long for Hyunjin to get ready, he gets dressed, brushes his teeth, and packs his backpack. He enters his living room, his parents work early so luckily they are never here when Hyunjin leaves for school. He feels a pang of something strange, he avoids his parents' presence so often, they miss him, even though he's not gone. 

_You're such a disappointment._

_I know._

Hyunjin tries to push his thoughts away as he leaves through the front door of his home. He checks to make sure he has his house key and heads out. He and Seungmin meet by a street intersection that's equal distance from both of their houses, it's an ideal meeting place, the school and cafe is just down the hill and a few more blocks away. Hyunjin walks with his head down, Seungmin tells him not to do that because "its dangerous and you need to pay attention to where you're walking", but he hasn't had any problems yet-

Hyunjin bumps into something, er someone. Hyunjin quickly shoots up preparing to apologize until he realizes, speak of the devil: it's Seungmin.

"Ah, Hyunjinnie, what did I say about looking where you're going? It's-", He starts but Hyunjin is quick to interrupt,"Yeah, yeah, I know, it isn't safe or whatever, and I told you guys to stop calling me that." 

The two boys both start walking down the hill. The air is cold and still, just like yesterday, or perhaps that is just how Hyunjin always feels about the atmosphere. 

Seungmin laughs,"Why not? It's cute". 

"No, not really, it's just",  _Weird for my friend to call me that? "_ I don't know", Hyunjin laughed off the question.

_Ah, yes, there's the magic word._

Seungmin led the way, the busy road to the right side, suddenly the honk of a horn from a car that passed them made boys both jump.

"Ugh, god, people here have some serious road rage," Seungmin said, sighing.

Hyunjin looked back at the car, he couldn't see who was driving but he had this feeling of want. What did they feel that made them need to do that? He was confused again as he started picking at his fingers.  

They crossed the street after waiting at the stop sign, which seems like it took forever. They pass under the bridge of the freeway that's above them, you'd think that Hyunjin would hate the loud city but actually, the constant sound of traffic was quite calming for him. 

More crossing streets. More stop signs and traffic lights. Walking to school is pretty much a metaphor for life. You wait until the light turns green, then cross the street, keep walking, another red light. Wait till it turns green and then cross. Until eventually you'll get to your final destination. Some people might not know where the journey's end is. Those people will keep walking forever. Maybe along the way, they'll cross the street when the sign is red and get hit by a car, either accidental or intentional. 

_You think too much._

_I know._

_So you do know? You're confusing._

"I really don't", Hyunjin said with his head down, barely a whisper.

Seungmin didn't hear him. 

* * *

It was 6:30 AM by the time Hyunjin and Seungmin arrived at the cafe. It would be enough time if they finished quickly, their school was only one cross-walk away. Hyunjin hurried to reserve the comfy sofas in the corner of the shop as Seungmin took the orders. The only way Hyunjin can describe the ambiance of the cafe is like an aesthetic coffee colored mood board. There were other students in the tables across from him, some were on their phones or doing schoolwork. He's always been curious about other peoples lives, he doesn't quite know how to explain it. He would watch people from afar to try and figure out what they were thinking, or their intentions. However almost all the time Hyunjin is never able to understand other people. Hyunjin sees Seungmin coming over with their drinks, he hands Hyunjin a cup of water as he holds his mug of coffee.

"Who comes to a coffee place just to order water?", Seungmin scoffs as he sits down next to Hyunjin.

"Who drinks straight black coffee?", Hyunjin retaliated, sipping his water. Hyunjin can't drink coffee, its way to bitter. In fact, he only drinks water.

"Uh, a lot a people?", Seungmin said.

"Uh, well a lot of people drink water too, it's kinda needed, to you know, survive.", Hyunjin said and Seungmin rolled his eyes. He couldn't tell if he was actually annoyed or just playing along.

"I definitely need coffee to survive, I would never get through school without it."

They sat in silence for a while, it might be awkward for others but silence was always comforting for Hyunjin, just the small hum of the coffee machines in the background. Seungmin knows that Hyunjin doesn't like to talk much, so he never attempts to make small talk with him, the company was sufficient. Soon enough, Hyunjin's quiet world will accidentally cross the road when the light is red. 

It is 6:50 AM as the two boys decide to head to their first class. As they get up and walk towards the front door of the cafe, Hyunjin sees movement outside as he glanced out the window. He sees a boy, he recognizes him immediately as the one from yesterday in the bathroom. He wore an oversized sweatshirt with his hands in the pocket, his face was serious, or maybe afraid. Concern? All he knew is that he didn't look good as there was a tall man following him with the same expression. They were out of Hyunjin's view as they turned the corner and went behind the shop. 

"Hyunjin? What's wrong, what are looking at?" Seungmin asked as he was holding onto the handle of the door. 

"Sorry, I'm fine," Hyunjin looks back at Seungmin and stands up straight and idle, expecting Seungmin to leave. 

"What are you doing? We have to go now if we don't wanna be late." He pestered as he opened the door for Hyunjin.

Hyunjin wanted to go see the boy again, he had the strange sense of _want._ "Ok well, I have to go to the bathroom, you can start walking to school, I'll meet you by the crosswalk."

Hyunjin made it sound more like a demand than a suggestion. 

"Um, okay," Seungmin answered, a bit confused. Hyunjin was acting more bizarre than usual, but he decided not to question it. 

Seungmin hesitated yet he left, walking to the sidewalk to school. Hyunjin strolled casually to the back of the cafe, pretending he was going into the bathrooms. When he concluded that Seungmin was out of sight, he quietly left through the back door. He followed where the boy and the tall guy went, he reached the corner of the wall of the back alleyway of the cafe. He leaned against it, listening in, hoping they were still there. Hyunjin had no idea why he was so engrossed in this particular person. All the people he watches never once is he interested in actually interacting with the said person. 

_You really got an odd thing with eavesdropping._

Hyunjin listened intently. He brought his hands to his mouth, chewing on his fingers trying to be as quiet as possible. He heard two voices, one was quiet and deadpan while the other was deep.

"The hell do you mean I don't have enough?", the deep voice said.

The quiet one answered back sternly,"Exactly what it means." Hyunjin heard some shuffling.

"You think you're so cocky, huh."

"Uh-huh"

"You know, I could kill you right now, no one would care or even try to look for you?", The deep voice rebuked. A shiver crawled down Hyunjin's spine as he bit down on his fingers roughly.

"Then do it"

There was silence. Hyunjin hated this silence. Finally, he heard movement again and footsteps toward his direction. Hyunjin sucked in a breath, he could taste blood. The tall man walked away, luckily not noticing Hyunjin against the wall. He took his fingers out of his mouth, wincing at the pain he inflicted on himself. 

"Fucking coward", the quiet voice snapped. Hyunjin turned the corner the same time the voice did.

The two met face to face,"Holy shit!", The boy gasps.

The boy didn't look much different than the last time they met, still the oversized sweatshirt, sharp eyes, and straight black hair.

Hyunjin wasn't sure what to say. The boy looked up at him,"How much did you hear?", he asked simply.

"Oh, uh, like... I'm not sure," Hyunjin stuttered. 

The boy kept staring at him dumbfounded,"Ok, welp, I'm not sure why you're here again, I recognize you from yesterday. If you're stalking me or something, please stop. Also, ignore everything you might've heard, trust me, it's for your own good". 

Hyunjin just kinda nodded. He glances down and notices the boy is picking at the skin around his nails. He also notes his nails are a lot more bloodied and mutilated. 

"You pick at your nails", Hyunjin pointed out. The statement hung in the air awkwardly as the boy quickly hid his hands in his pocket, looking ashamed.

Hyunjin quickly tried to correct himself,"N-no, I mean, I do it too".

Hyunjin held his hands out, there was still fresh blood on them. He showed them to him as a girl would show her newly painted nails to her friends. His expression softened as he took Hyunjins hands in his own.

_oh._

His eyes weren't so sharp or intimidating anymore. Hyunjin could feel his heartbeat racing. _Why?_ Once again his body was reacting faster than his mind. The boy spoke, snapping Hyunjin out of his odd trance.

"I guess we both need an intense manicure"

Hyunjin laughed, surprising himself. A genuine laugh, that's new. Hyunjin took his hands away, they felt rather clammy. 

The boy put his hands away as well, in his pockets he was messing with something again,"I have to go", his face hardened. He hesitated a little bit before he started walking away.

"W-wait, whats your name?", Hyunjin asked.

He looked back,"Jeongin, Yang Jeongin." 

"Mine is, Hwang Hyunjin".

"Nice to meet you," Jeongin smiled, there was something wrong with that smile though, Hyunjin couldn't understand what.

He started walking again, and for once the air didn't seem so cold anymore.


End file.
